Life is not always filled with rainbows. There are times when rains would continually shower and no trace of the sun's light would be seen. There would be days when the sky would be cloudy and you'd think that the day would perfectly go well. All of a sudden you'd be shocked to see a storm coming out of nowhere bashing everything on it's way and leaving nothing but a perfectly designed wreckage - A wreckage that may mean either two things : A sign of moving forward and keeping all your hopes up or a sign that you're a constant mess and your life would continually be dull. How you perceive and project it in your own life would totally depend on you.
People around me would often describe me as a very strong-willed person - a person who is all the time optimistic about his life, a person who always smiles and acts happily crazy despite adversities, a person who lives a very easy and happy life. What they mostly know about me is somehow slightly the opposite. I too have my own miseries in life. I also have my fair share of failures in life - more failures compared to success.
When I was a kid, I dreamt of being a successful person. I was a very good student at school. I continually pursued my goals in life because I knew that in the end that goal will be a reality. I kept fighting my way through - studied really hard and burned my midnight candles. I even matured early compared to my peers, always thinking critically and outcome-oriented in making decisions. I thought life would be happier when I finish school and would land a great job that will pay-off all my hardships. I thought things would be easy along the way. But the harsh reality of it all, life would sometimes suck. What you expect to happen may sometimes not happen. And the worst thing you'd possibly pray wont happen sometimes end up happening. All the hardships and sacrifices you've undergone would sometimes be repaid but not in full. In the long run you may have regrets - Regrets stemming from thoughts that still haunt you to this day. You'd continually question yourself, "Was it all worth it? Was it all meaningful?"
I wanted to be a rebel teen back then, but thoughts of keeping myself out of trouble and bringing added shame to my parents and family hindered me. I was different, a teen having his own world. I had a different attitude and views about life compared to my other siblings and my peers. I was always afraid to commit mistakes and would often see it coming and stop it from happening. I'm always one-step ahead and I often learned from other people's mistakes rather than experiencing it myself. I always isolated myself, kept myself apart from them all. I would often make excuses when friends invite me to parties and events and that left me being a lonely person. Slowly one after the other, friends disappear and only a few remained. Again it left me thinking, was it all worth it?
As a person, I acted rationally with a touch of a little sensitivity. Rational because that's how my father taught me to be, that one should always use his head in doing things and that there's no room for mediocrity. Sensitivity, that's what my mother taught me. She has always reminded me to use my heart in weighing things out, whether that decision would be good for the sake of others or just an action stemming out of greedy intentions. I like better what my mother taught me, because I get to see how people feel and get to be empathic. I always considered the feelings of people around me before deciding matters. I see to it that no one gets hurt or offended when I make my decisions. This is my strength as a person - being rational and sensitive. Although having this personality is good, it also serves as my vulnerable side and people would often take advantage of it when they get to know me indepthly. That's the down-side of being me. Despite of my actions and good intentions, no one seems to appreciate it. It seems that my effort was not enough. People around me would remember me for the good times, but they soon forget me when bad times happen. I wanted to be a bad person but the good nature that my mother inculcated in me still stems out. No wonder I became a nurse. It wasn't my first choice though. I dreamt of being an accountant, an engineer, an architect and even becoming a doctor, but seeing my father having a very stressful work with no time to smile and always carrying a grumpy face at home, I decided to take a different path. A path that I wish was all worth it.
Sometimes when I'm all alone, I get to remember my past experiences and would sometimes wonder if all my sacrifices was worth it - if all my decisions was worth it. Because if they were, I sure hope that I get to reap all the fruit soon.
It pains me to say that I hate being me and that I should have been a different person - that it would have been better if I was not the person I am now. But still I believe that things happen for a reason and that God alone knows it - that each one of us has a purpose in life and it's up for us to find and discover it.
Though my life now is constantly being battered by life's uncertainties, I'm still somehow hopeful that my better days would come soon. That the dark clouds above my sky will soon disappear and that after the storm I would find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I'm still looking forward to find useful stuffs from the wreckage of the storm and use it to build a better house someday.
I'm still wearing that infectious smile, hiding my miseries away.^_^
